It's a damn cold night...

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
いつか失ってしまうのかな。薄れてゆく笑顔と君を守りたい。
-- D-technolife

If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.

Don't judge a life by one difficult season.

独自并不代表孤单,在一群人中狂笑着有时更寂寞。
-- 吴庆康

At times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought.
-- Deepak Chopra
于是我让孤独更孤独,有一种不是悲伤的悲伤,才是刻骨铭心的悲伤。
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
-- St Francis.
People's actions are influenced by their expectations. People respond not just to what is happening now, but to what they anticipate will happen in the future.
-- Sloman
不管你会不会忘了我,我只想告诉你一个秘密。
--《不能说的·秘密》

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.
-- Deepak Chopra

The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death but when I stand in front of you yet you don't know that I love you.
-- Tagore
Do do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.
-- Matt 6:34

まだ不器用に笑うね まだ悲しみが似合うから
キミに降る痛みを 拭ってあげたい すべて I for you
-- I For You

the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,
a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.


“你有心事吗?”
“或许有一天,我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

 Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Monday, June 30, 2008
withers away @ 2:45 pm

just got back frm the moe briefing.. nv been up so early for v long alr.. this is bad coz i'm freaking starting my attachment alr. i nearly fell asleep in the talks.
hmmm lets just say obs did us good?
unexpectedly got a call frm zhanjiang to go for lunch. he was like, hey hello, u still rmbr who i am anot. den im like of coz lah haha. so zj, zirui, lester and i went for lunch tgt. liangwei had to run off somewhere, and he suggested going out on youth day. HA. when was the last time we had a youth day hols huh. and so we just chatted, after SO long of not contacting each other, or even seeing each other. i've never seen zirui or lester after we went kbox after obs then. wow. that's 2 yrs ago.
my friendly fellow future colleagues. wish us luck.

It's something Mystical

withers away @ 12:17 am

一堆音符砌成的感动。一个指挥带来的感动。一群人通过电话的感动。没有文字的感动。静静地感动。
这种感动很真实,很实在,所以很喜欢。
发现这是日剧的魅力。剧情可以很无厘头,完全不合逻辑,但是所刻画的人物很真实,很生活化,好像你我身边都有这样一个人一样。
文字表达不出的,会令我很困惑。是不知道自己的感受是什么,还是找不到字来形容?

It's something Mystical

Thursday, June 26, 2008
withers away @ 12:19 am

the effect of watching alot of stuff:

last friends. the ones who stay with u till the very end.

chiaki senpai! 男人的眼泪是很有魅力的。

维持 vs 经营一段感情或婚姻。相较起来,维持容易得多,只要不让它结束就好,无论品质,无论喜悲,又或者,已经无所谓情感。可能因为某种依靠,或子女,维持着就好。经营,需要时间、力量、勇气、精神、付出,因为经营意味着要做得好,而做得好并不简单。随着时光的流逝,时间一久,累了,人们可能已经渐渐地放弃经营,静静地转向维持。如何让感情不转向维持,我仍在摸索。

It's something Mystical

Saturday, June 21, 2008
withers away @ 11:28 pm

u know, i've always avoided it. i pushed it away, but it came back for me. (wah sounds like horror movie) some things, u might not want to think, but someday, u still have to think abt it. someday, it still has to be settled. by no one but u alone. haiz. sux.


this was my blog entry 3 yrs back. wow. words can be reused, no?

have we lost it again
did we even get it back in the first place
or was it only a futile attempt
why have i suddenly become so insecure again
where is the faith i'm supposed to have
why do i always think there's something wrong
or am i the one with something wrong
or am i just pms-ing ><

feeling threatened
yet not knowing what to do to defend what i call my own


and this, cnp from xiaohan's blog. cmon man there must be a reason why i like her lyrics, no?

有些人難過時會選擇快樂的歌,
把傷心連根拔起

而我是那種陰天就得下一場大雨的人
越是瘀青,就越要狠狠地按到不懂得痛為止的人

It's something Mystical

Friday, June 20, 2008
withers away @ 12:50 pm

love.liberation.agony.solitude.contradiction.

just chanced upon the subs for the song. have nv been able to understand anything beyond "prisoner of love". by utada hikaru.

i'm a prisoner of love
prisoner of love
just a prisoner of love
i'm just a prisoner of love
a prisoner of love

平気な顔で嘘をついて
笑って 嫌気がさして
楽ばかりしようとしていた
you tell lies with a straight face
and laugh in that disturbing way
you always said we should just have fun

「ないものねだり」ブルース
皆安らぎを求めている
満ち足りてるのに奪い合う
愛の影を追っている
i have the blues from asking so much
everyone is searching for peace
content and yet struggling
chasing after the shadow of love

退屈な毎日が急に輝きだした
あなたが現れたあの日から
孤独でも辛くても平気だと思えた
the tedious days began, suddenly, to shine
ever since the day you appeared
even if i was lonely or in pain, i thought it would be okay

i'm just a prisoner of love
just a prisoner of love
prisoner of love

prisoner of love
i'm a prisoner of love

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, June 18, 2008
withers away @ 11:28 pm

【バトン】随便21问

游戏规则:
1.被点到名的人要在自己的部落格里写下自己的答案
2.去掉一个自己不喜欢的问题,再补上你自己的一个问题
3.传给其他8个人,列出8人需要回问题的名字
4.到此8人的部落格中留言通知他们说【你被点名了】
5.被点名的人不可以拒绝回答问题,若完成游戏的人会得到众人的祝福
6.被点到名的8人在自己的部落格注明是在哪里接收到的
7.收到的8人,要继续传给其他人,但不能回传,让游戏继续下去
8.完成游戏的人,你们的愿望在不久的未来将都会被实现

↑我是想点完你们大家啦,不过还是放着这段不管好了闲着的人想填才填吧XDlll

点名人:象小姐

1.想要结婚吗?
A:想。总个来说我还是很传统的女性。

2.想要小孩吗?
A:想吧?这个还有点太远了。

3.下辈子你想当什么?
A:人。(被揍)

4.你最想去哪个地方?为什么?
A:日本,欧洲,夏威夷,马尔代夫(就是想去,后两个多是为了风景)

5.最受不了自己哪个缺点?
A:脾气暴躁,太容易PMS

6.如果有不开心的事,你会怎么办?
A:如果没人,哭。如果有人,等没人的时候哭。先宣泄情绪很重要,不然会窒息。哭后再理智处理,不先哭的话无法理智起来。

7.最害怕失去的东西?
A:青春(老了!很恐怖的。),友谊。

8.喜欢当男人还是女人?
A:女人。因为当惯了吧,我不喜欢改变。

9.如果你是个大胖子你会怎么办?
A:无法想像。真的。

10.如果你有个朋友很像外星人你心里会怎么想?
A:有什么好想的,管他是外星人还是植物之类的,朋友就是朋友啦!

11.有和同性接吻过吗?是在什么样的情形下?
A:没有。被亲脸颊倒有过。[zoo: this was one of the "i've never" things i thought of but forgot!!!!]

12.如果你的另一半不小心偷吃了,你会原谅他吗?
A:看情况而定?但多半会吧。除非她和他有了感情,那我宁愿让他去。如果纯粹是肉体上的满足,或是喝醉之类的,那大概是会原谅的吧。

13.谁曾经做过让你最感动的事,什么事?
A:让我感动得当下眼睛泛泪,现在想起仍会泛泪的有好几桩,我知道就好啦。XP

14.如果到了30岁结婚前夕被男友抛弃,你会怎么做?
A:答案和象小姐完全一致。什么怎么做,还能怎么做-_-

15.现阶段最不满意的是什么?
A:虚无缥缈如风一样的生活(被揍:说什么鬼啊!)

16.现在最希望的是?
A:周围的人不必为钱烦恼,大家有意义且开心地过活(又被揍:不会干脆说世界和平!)

17.如果能和某名人交换身体一天,你会选谁?会做些什么?
A:不晓。实在不晓。

18.你最想男朋友能为你做什么?
A:陪在我身边,给我安全感。

19.如果你现在有一百万,你会做什么?
A:花钱在自己身上,花钱在别人身上,存一些,捐一些?

20.请问你交了男朋友你会变怎样?
A:什么叫会变怎样?我还是我嘛。在他面前变得很小女人咯。

21.现在最想说的话:
A:做完咯!

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, June 17, 2008
withers away @ 12:08 am

ok time for some updates.. vv long post ahead. been doing everything but what i have to do: think abt my concentration. coz that would probably just kill all my brain cells. watch dramas, watch animes, meet up with friends for dinner, kbox, movie... got to sing after wad seemed like 1001 years haha yahoo.. sex and the city was really funny though explicit. couldnt stop laughing really HAHA.
for the past few days it was zoo slpover at cyn's place. it felt less restricted than past slpovers (in terms of noise level and the mess we could make) coz we had the entire house to ourselves! we met up after cyn's work to get groceries and dinner at toa payoh hub first.. the bk guy made a little mess of our orders.. oh i see that was a premonition for the series of unfortunate events that were to occur on fri the 13th. anyway after we reached home cyn had a proj meeting online, while bibi just played random piano, el used her comp and i just sat there. haha. by the time we started baking it was near midnight? hey hey the cookies turned out well right frm the first batch! though we had a hard time finding the weighing scale and mixer. we probably touched evthg in her kitchen alr. btw this was my first time baking. hoho. after baking and washup we drank and played a drinking game. finished the wine and turned to beer. we were just talking and talking, and eating our cookies. hahaha.
next day, vaguely heard bibi trying to wake cyn up to go to the doc to get her mc. she couldnt, which is pretty duh considering we only slpt at 5. later i heard the doorbell rang. the next thing that happened, cyn asked me to park her family car in the porch coz apparently the car is in the way for the pub ppl who were digging the ground. the start of the nightmare man. fri the 13th happens for me. maybe its a gd thing tt u ppl dun get to sit my car heh? HAHA. so i dragged myself out of bed, went out without brushing my teeth, washing my face or even combing my hair (i think it was pretty apparent that i was just out of bed). was reversing the car, and felt real weird coz it seemed as though i couldnt see a thing. i couldnt gauge anything. GUESS WAD. i didnt open up the side mirrors. ok im sorry man its not my car. my family car doesnt have this kinda stuff. but i agree its damn dumb of me that i only realized i had no side mirrors after struggling for so long. no wonder it seemed like i couldnt stop nearly banging smth. after the mirrors were out, it took less than a min to get the car in. i suck.
sorry man that's only incident no 1 for the great fri the 13th. we went for brunch at a nearby roti prata restaurant. the guy mixed up our orders. he rmbred our orders perfectly well though he didnt note them down, but he served the wrong stuff to us. i had mushroom EGG prata when i asked for mushroom prata. and ppl who know me, i dun freaking eat eggs. so i ate up the mushroom and the prata and left the egg alone. we had 2 missing kosongs, and an extra plate of chicken curry. oh wells. there was no serviets, and no one brought tissue. so we survived on toilet paper. yahoo. then cyn realized she forgot her hp, and her ezlink along with it, so she went back to get it, and we missed the bus meanwhile.
shopping at amk hub went pretty ok. el got her dad a shirt for father's day. it looks really funky for a dad. HAHA. after some time cyn and bibi went to thread their eyebrows while me and el continued with amk hub. saw many cute stuff. but totally out of budget. like. totally. she was whining the whole time lol. then we met up to go back. cooked our own dinner. oh yes we realized that we had jap rice at home, and we bought a new 2.5kg one the night before. v funny. our sushi turned out.. edible. with jap cucumber, teriyaki tuna, corned beef. i ate up alot of the spoilt maki while making; some of the onigiri just went out of shape. HAHA. i ended up licking my hands of jap rice. den we cooked jap curry. it turned out good. v delicious yahoo. cyn then went off for a 21st birthday party. it was lucky we didnt cause some kinda explosion in her kitchen.
while washing up bibi dirtied her shorts and legs. wow. so she had to get cyn's shorts to wear. later, we wanted to boil some water coz we ran out of water and were all thirsting to death. dunno how to use her stove. ended up having to call her to ask. used the lighter in the end. i went out, but soon after i smelt gas. so i went to the kitchen, and saw that the fire was still there. so. what? el saw this tank of gas sitting there. v well. we really dun want an explosion heh. but ultimately we decided it was just normal. and yes there was no explosion.
we continued our baking later when we had more strength, and we ran out of choc chips. so we went with cocoa flour instead. forgot to use less flour, and the cookies turned out small and hard, though still edible. before that came out, the microwave gave us a scare. blue lightning like thingys appeared and bibi let out a scream. she thought it was going to explode in her face. later it happened again and i too got a shock. we decided it was the aluminium foil touching the sides or smth that's causing it. so folded it in more and it went okay. have i mentioned its the first time i've ever used a microwave.
for the next batch we used less flour. and we realized we couldnt bake anymore batches because there was no more flour and butter left. wow. how to bake without flour and butter. ohwells. nvm we were getting tired by then i guess. then later bibi came over stirring the dough while watching tv. sudd somehow the entire ball of dough dropped onto the carpet. scream. shock. panic. bibi took it up and blew at it. haha total reflex action. then i cleaned up the carpet. we decided we'll pray real hard that it didnt pick up any weird stuff frm the carpet and that we wun have to run to the toilet after eating this batch.
then later cyn said she's coming home, but it was nearly midnight and she was afraid that there'll be no more 138. seriously i was contemplating driving her back alr. but i dunno the way. yahoo. but luckily she caught the last bus. so it was all ok. that ended fri the 13th, which everyone blamed me for jinxing them, coz nthg especially bad happens to them on that day, while things happen to me. hahah fri the 13th likes me lah wad to do? lol.
after evthg, we bathed and sat down to eat somemore. then continued our drinking game with beer. finished it up and got too lazy to wash up. everyone took my suggestion of just soaking evthg till the next day to wash. went upstairs and everyone plonked on her bed, with no apparent intent to slp. chatted and chatted. we decided to all slp on one bed later. by the time we slpt it was. 5 also i guess.
totally didnt noe when did cyn drag herself up for work. just slpt till el's alarm rang. we all refused to wake up. till nearly noon. couldnt decide wad to do with the rest of the day, but settled for call-in pizza for lunch. breakfast was disaster. i didnt noe it wasnt hot water in the thermos, so i ended up adding cold water to my milo + milk powder. wad a sight. it looked horrendous. then bibi and i decided to heat up water using the microwave, but dunno for how long. ended up, the water wasnt hot enough. added it in, and looked like the same sight. damn. gave up on hot milo and went with cold milk. bibi and el had scrambled eggs with cheese. we had instant pizza too. was reluctant with the washup. so we didnt. HA. later cyn came home and we had lunch. ate alot. i dunno wad was with me. slacked ard. was still reluctant with washup. the 2 sinks were freaking full. not a nice sight. but still have to do, so bibi and i washed up while el bathed and cyn napped.
decided to go bugis for shopping. the bus ride was nice for slping. didnt exactly like the crowd, nor the short time we had, but bobian. i went broke. totally. and i think i was lamenting abt it the entire night. oops. hahaha. ok lets just say, everyone is broke. everyone ard me is broke. ohwells. doesnt help that evthg is getting more ex now. then we went back, split the cookies and went home.
it was a real long slpover. like a chalet, no? hahaha.

innocence by avril lavigne. caught this song while shopping a few mths back? u noe, days like this do exist, just that they don't last.

waking up i see that everything is okay
the first time in my life and now it's so great
slowing down i look around and i am so amazed
i think about the little things that make life great

i wouldn't change a thing about it
this is the best feeling

this innocence is brilliant, i hope that it will stay
this moment is perfect, please don't go away
i need you now
and i'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

i found a place so safe, not a single tear
the first time in my life and now it's so clear
feel calm i belong, i'm so happy here
it's so strong and now i let myself be sincere

it's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
it's the happiness inside that you're feeling
it's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, June 10, 2008
withers away @ 12:06 am

有很多事情其实是很不愿意想的,但是往往这些正是我们需要想的事情。人的一生都在做决定中度过。小至晚餐吃些什么,出不出门,大至要读哪一科(!),将来的志愿,都是做人不得不想的东西。
有时候会觉得,倘若人生可以像现在一样,就在看电视戏剧书籍中度过,不是很好吗?从这些都可以对人生有很多的领悟,也会有喜怒哀乐的抒发,不是吗?
唯一的缺点就是这样过活没有意义。因为毕竟面对的,不是人。
是为了要逃避些什么,人们才沉浸。逃避责任,逃避现实。想把一些事情遮蔽,就用别的事情挡着,但这并不代表不存在了。
所以呢,我还是好好想想该读什么吧。AHHHHHH

It's something Mystical